While answering a few hard questions today, I stumbled upon this one:
Advice for when you hate your life?
My life was always okay. But then after I fell out with a few girls from around the town recently, I've been getting even more upset. I feel like I need to make new friends, but I'm too sad to make new friends. Who wants to be friends with a sad person? And I can't bare to fake happy. I really want to be happy like some of the smiley people I see, but I just can't. I don't know why. My life is just routine after routine and nothing exciting or good ever happens. It's so ordinary and I feel like a lot of girls dislike me now that I've fallen out with a few of the girls from around the town. Help!
Bridgin, Yahoo
My least favorite phrase in the entire world is "I know what you're going through." I don't. Everybody comes from different backgrounds and has different experiences.
I don't know what you're going through. I can't imagine. But I do think that I have been in similar or have observed other people in similar situations. I've struggled with depression my whole life. I've been in tight spots where I don't have anyone to talk to or anywhere to turn to. Friends can be the greatest "happifiers" in the world and everything seems so pointless if you can't find a friend.
I understand the point of not wanting to "fake happy." Faking happy can be very exhausting. I want to focus for a bit on getting happy. The trick is to numb the pain before letting happy things in.
Have you ever Googled "how to be happy"? I admit, I have. I found some interesting things- I literally spent hours pouring over tiny little tips that psychologists give for people feeling a little down.
Most sources recommend a "you day." Do whatever you need to do to get the house to yourself. Take a long shower or bath. Air dry your hair after and put on the loosest clothes you can find, like track pants and an oversized t-shirt. Burn a candle in the bathroom while you are getting clean. The scent can help you relax. Lie down on your bed. Try to let go of all your thoughts, good or bad, for about five minutes. Afterwards, think of your favorite thing in the world, whether it's red velvet cupcakes or a tabby cat on a pogo stick. Buy a bag of marshmallows. I know it sounds weird, but marshmallows are soothing. If you can't have gelatin or you don't like marshmallows, indulge in a bag of cool ranch Doritos or soft pretzels. Watch your favorite movie. Make sure it isn't sad; try something like Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Bedtime Stories, or the newer Parent Trap.
After thoroughly spending some time reading ridiculous-sounding tips and strategies on happiness, I found a few that work especially well for me:
1. Take a power nap. Sometimes a nap can function like a "second morning", similar to pushing the reset button on electronics. Once you get up, take a shower or at least wash your face. Do whatever you can to make it feel like a fresh start.
2. Sing and dance. Hide out in your room, put on a happy song, and dance and sing along like you mean it. If you don't know the words to a song, look up the lyrics and read them as you sing, or make up your own lyrics as you go along- they don't have to make sense! A far as dancing is concerned, it doesn't really matter what you do, especially since nobody's watching. The key with this step is to let loose. The wackier, the better. Even if you feel awful, just pretend you're an obnoxiously happy person and you'll improve your mood by several notches.
3. Meditate. Become aware of your thoughts so that they don't control you. Imagine your thoughts are being displayed on one of those electronic scroll screens. Just watch them go by. Don't judge them, don't tell yourself you shouldn't be thinking this or that, and don't get frustrated. Just watch.
4. Be thankful. Everyone has something to be grateful for. Make a list of the good things that have ever happened to you. When you really watch out for things to be grateful for, it's incredible what you find. I try to write about at least one thing I'm grateful for every single day. Sometimes it's hard to begin. Other days it's hard to narrow it down. Just don't give up.
5. Cheer someone else up. Listen to them and try to find a way to make them feel better. You'll draw your attention away from negative thoughts and in doing away with theirs, you'll probably get rid of yours, too.
6. Forgive. I'll admit, this is probably the hardest thing for me. In addition to being thankful, it is also good practice to forgive those who have hurt you in the past. When you really feel connected to one of them, say out loud, "I forgive you." Forgiving yourself is particularly hard and particularly burdensome. Don't overlook the importance of forgiving yourself.
7. Accept. There is much around us that isn't perfect. That's okay. We can just accept this state of affairs and decide that we don't need our life to be perfect in order for us to cheer up.
8. Name your problems. Giving them a name makes them tangible and easier to overcome.
9. Imagine. Close your eyes and think of a happy place. If you could be anywhere in the world, where would you be right now? Who would you be with? What would you be saying? You can learn a lot about yourself by doing this. Keep these things close to you and think of them as a goal.
10. Go to sleep early or late. Whichever floats your boat.
11. My personal favorite: Make faces. There's something called the "facial feedback hypothesis" which basically says that whatever face you make will affect the way you feel. Really smile. Hold that expression for ten seconds. Repeat as needed. It's almost as if engaging the "smile muscles" activated the "happy section" of your brain associated with smiling. If you're worried about looking silly or crazy, do it privately. Doing this while looking in the mirror might be more effective. It works! Try it! Smiling also makes you appear friendly to those around you. Walk down a hallway or sidewalk and count how many more people smile at you, acknowledge you, or give a quick greeting when you smile at people than if you don't. I promise, people will think you're one of those "smiley people." After all, that's how you classify them, isn't it? If you smile, you are a smiley person. You might start to mean it after a while.
12. Laugh. Just laugh. Start laughing. Don't stop. Find something funny- an old joke, a picture, something you found online, anything. Just laugh.
13. Realize that you are worth something. You do mean something. The fact that this is here, reading this advice, means that there are those of us who have you in mind. It's true.
It's true. Life doesn't end here. If you think there's a possibility that it might, please email me right away, at any time of day. Something I've also learned is that talking to someone anonymously can help. We've set this up so that you can come to someone else for a little extra help. Email us at any time of day and we'll respond.
I also came across the advice to "Hug someone. Hugs release endorphins. Find someone to give you a hug. Even if it's a random stranger. Random strangers are surprisingly open to giving hugs in many cultures." I'm not usually super open to hugs from people I know and have loved for years, so this one isn't really advice for me, but I thought I might recommend it for someone who it does work for.
Bridgin, here's the advice that I want to give to you: don't give up. This isn't the end of the road. You can still find happiness to pull you through tough times like these. Make your own list of tiny things that can make you smile. Read my number eleven. When you're ready, take a deep breath and go out! Go for a run! Go out with a friend you don't know quite as well. There's someone out there who could really use a friend, too. It won't be easy, but you can get through this. Be brave and stay strong. You're in our prayers.
